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TimbuktuExpress
with MAFTAH YUSUF
There’s only one foolproof way of ensuring that
victims of the wanton looting that was the Westgate
fiasco get full compensation while the thieves get
exposed for their heinous crime.
No, I don’t mean that we create a tribunal to probe
the matter, not at all. We should not go into
commissions of inquiry either. Kenyans have lost
faith in commissions since we paid Waki to look into
the post-election violence and yet up to date his
famous envelope is lost somewhere between The
Hague and Nairobi.
Don’t even listen to Interior Cabinet Secretary that
the best way to catch the thieves is to bring in
forensic experts.
Let forensics first determine whether the terrorists
were male or female. We in this country have our
own proven methods of catching thieves. We just
enlist the services of one of the many witchdoctors
swarming the villages and remote corners of this
country.
Expert from Coast
If we are to hire an expert from, say, the Coast, you
can be assured that the thieves will suddenly find
themselves sufficiently philanthropic to return all
they stole to their owners. We could even bring in an
expert from Loliondo due to the gravity of the
matter.
Media reports indicate the possibility of high calibre
thieves having been involved in the heist and we do
not want to embarrass the sovereignty of our nation.
Rumours closer home are persistent that the
culprits may be none other than the people we pay
through the nose to guarantee the security of our
lives and property might have been compromised
by the total absence of al-Shabaab or anyone else
for that matter in the mall.
Since until we solve this mystery, everyone is a
suspect, we shall begin by traditionally screening
General Karangi’s boys and IG Kimaiyo’s people. We
shall obviously unearth so much from the rubble at
Westgate.
The Dakatary from Loliondo will first and foremost
require that some money be sent to his M-Pesa
account as he does not work and then collect later.
After that, all the commandos who were involved in
the Westgate rescue mission will be required to line
up in a special parade at their barracks in full battle
regalia minus their AK 47s.
Unleash witchdoctor
After a pep talk about integrity and courage of an
officer, the good general will unleash the
witchdoctor to the soldiers. This is the point from
where the general and IG will start taking note of
any emotional changes in their boys.
Those who profusely sweat out after seeing the
witchdoctor will be allowed time to confess instead
of putting everyone through the unnecessary
trouble of an elaborate ritual.
Dressed in monkey skin attire and waving a
flywhisk, the Daktary shall descend upon them like
a bolt from the blue making them shake in their
boots.
“Wangwana!” he shall scream out at them, “If you
walked into Westgate carrying a gun and left the
place with a Nakumatt paper bag you have one
chance to confess before I make you chew grass like
Museveni’s cows.”
At the mention of grass, the soldiers ‘wataanza
kutazamana’ (looking at one another) like the
disciples of Jesus when they heard a traitor was
amongst them. That is when the lily-livered one will
start spilling the beans on their colleagues.
“Daktary woiye, why are you picking on us yet we
did not loot?” one man will moan.
“All we did Daktary was window shop the displays in
the jewellery store,” one of them will claim.
Line up
“Tosha!” Daktary will bellow, “All of you line up and
take a cup of my special herbal concoction from
Loliondo and we shall soon determine the thieves.”
They will line up in single file. No sooner shall some
take a sip of the potent medicine than they will get
down on all fours and start mowing the lawn of the
parade ground with their mouths.
Since the Loliondo man is not a joke, others might
even bleat like goats while they are at it. It will be
quite a spectacle to see, gentlemen of the
disciplined forces crawling about eating grass.
To ensure that the disciplined forces do not get
embarrassed, the exercise should be conducted in-
house, away from the prying eyes of the media so
that Kenyans don’t get to see an actual house
cleaning exercise of the uniforms.
The only problem, however, is that someone will
probably leak footage of the grazing to KTN’s Jicho
Pevu and The Inside Story.
And what a hoot that story would make as
Nakumatt decides to set up shop in Timbuktu away
from al-Shabaab.

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