By Bernard Wainaina
First, put down your guns and listen,before you dismiss me as a pervert.
We are fast losing tourists from the UK and US because of so many damned travel advisories due to insecurity and now, the government is looking East trying to woo Chinese tourists.
That is all good but I think we are doing this wrong.
Yes, let the Chinese come and visit, we need the foreign exchange but, what are they coming to see?
Time to diversify.
Enter Vera Sidika.
We do have some great and
breathtaking scenery but we seem obsessed with one specific sight with our mouths open and drooling saliva; that of Vera’s big butt!
Sorry ladies! I’m sure you have a slightly different opinion about the fame of Vera Sidika’s big butt from us,Men.
Let’s cut to the chase and just say that Ladies are not happy about Vera’s big butt,because their men have taken to ogling it at every opportunity.
In a word,ladies are just envious!
If you are married and your wife asks you to read this column,or your girlfriend, just feign outrage because trust me,you can’t go appreciating Vera without inviting her
So, back to miss big bum.
She has since gone international.
Al Jazeera, BBC and even the New
York Post have all featured her and I want to believe this is the first “positive” story we have
received from the international media.
We are always asking them to look beyond Kibera,not dare talk about post-election violence, the grenade attacks and our tribal-fuelled politics.
Well, looks like they listened and if only we had more Veras, then we should start having tourists flocking
back to our shores.
Mombasa would be full of tourists,if we let Vera Sidika sunbathe at our beaches every day!
She has received more attention than the president and clearly, made us all forget about #BabaWhileYouWereAway,and the subsequent sabre rattling CORD rallies.
She is a force and might just be what UhuRuto need to pacify an
Invite her to all state functions from now on and make sure she sits in the front row and every once in a while, get her to drop something she has to
stand up and pick.
I guarantee that all the cameras will be trained on her and everyone will miss what Uhuru or Raila says.
How about CORD getting her to convene the national dialogue?
I bet you Cord and Jubilee will agree to meet in an hour.
The sight of Vera’s gluteus maximus has proved to reduce any man into a blithering idiot while the ladies get biblically pissed off to a point where they start stuttering.
Have you ever been so angry with someone that you could not string together a sentence and you
ended up pacing up and down and just stormed off and went to look for a door to bang or a cup to break?
The only thing that no angry person is yet to do is fling their phone to the wall.
Somebody else’s phone maybe, but your own phone?
Unless it is a Nokia 3310 model, which will bring down the wall, and that will be even more expensive to rebuild.
So once Vera is a common sight at state functions,the president will be at liberty to say whatever he
wants and he will get away with it.
He can even say that he voted for Raila in the last elections and his
supporters will agree with him since they won’t be actually listening;they will be glued to the glorious sight of Vera Sidika’s butt!
So once that is done, he will need to use Vera to bring in tourists from Ghana and Nigeria, two places that have shown a major liking for one of our own who is endowed with a glorious butt.
Now, Vera says that she makes most of her money from Nigeria, and that her boyfriend is Nigerian.
So next time Uhuru is going to woo investors, leave Waiguru, Ngilu, Kandie et al and fill the plane with
Vera and her well-endowed buddies like Corazon and other upcoming socialites.
If they can give her some Sh50 million to just bleach, lighten or whatever it is she says she did to
her skin, then it means she can get them to fund the free laptops for school project and even throw in a little extra to save our elephants.
I am telling you people, tough times call for tough measures, and this here is something that can make us even start issuing travel advisories
against the US whenever some kid who was not hugged enough decides to shoot up a school or a mall there.
You might hate me for suggesting this now,but I’m sure you will thank me later when it hits you as an award winning idea whose time has come!
“The African Story as told by Africans”.©African News Digest®