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By Bernard Wainaina

Don’t be mistaken comrades.

I love you all.

But I want all of you to step aside over this long Easter Weekend,for my peace.

Well,my enemies too have to step aside and stop nosing into my nocturnal affairs.

In this particular instance,I have in mind my nosy neighbour who is a happily married lady and has a habit of turning on her bedroom lights whenever my gate squeaks at night to welcome me back home in the wee hours of the morning hoping to catch a glimpse of my one night stand,or “chips funga”.

I will never know why,a happily married woman like her,has formed a habit that I associate with desperate single ladies who don’t take very kindly the estate’s single men habit of procuring one night stands from across the other ridge of our residential estate.

They feel left out in this exciting game of a “single night dating” gameplan.

But it’s my friends who normally irritate me most over these long kind of weekends.

Moses,our watchman, is a jolly good old man and a friend where no womenfolk are involved.

He will happily dash for a packet of milk on Saturday mornings when I’m weighed down by hangover of a Friday night out carousel.

He normally has a presence of mind to drop the packet of milk through my slightly open kitchen window and disappear to carry on his sentinel duties, and patiently wait for me to hand him a cup of steaming white coffee thereafter at my own pace.

This normally changes when he notices that I’m entertaining female company in my apartment.

In short,he hooves around my door pretending to be at my beck n’ call so that he can espy the sight of my female company.

If the sitting room door is not firmly locked,he invites himself inside and politely “demands” that my female company serves him with a cup of coffee to “drive away” the overnight chills in his old bones after delivering the obligatory Saturday morning packet of milk.

I’m not normally very comfortable of the way he sits still on the sofa with his wicked eyes following my female company around in every inch of her innocent movements as she serves him coffee.

I’m not very sure that Moses is not a latent psychopath in our midst!

Then there is this single lady neighbour who owns a sleek Toyota Vitz that she parks, or rather,”packs” next to her door every night even if the whole parking bay is empty.

But if she sniffs some female company in my room,she parks her car in such a way that it will be blocking out my car in the parking bay.

That way,she is assured of casting naughty glimpses on my female company as we drive out of the apartment block since I will have to knock on her door and plead with her to let my car out.

She seems to enjoy these moments with awkward fetishness.

Or she would park her Vitz in such a way that my car will have to be moved so that she can drive off.

Then she would knock persistently on my door at around 6.00 am on Saturday morning,pleading that she wants to drop her car at the mechanics for service,that early in the morning.

Why am I forgetting to mention the pastor’s wife who has formed the habit of delivering unsolicited pancakes on Saturday mornings,not every other Saturday morning,mind you,but whenever she sniffs out female perfume from my bathroom window!

She has this constant refrain of saying,” I think I heard you singing in the bathroom and I thought you could do with a few pieces of pancakes in this cold weather”.

To me,this sounds more like; ” I heard you “sinning”……..blah,blah,blah!”

These are the kinds of friends and enemies that I’d wish to see “stepping aside” this long Easter weekend so that I can enjoy my peace ‘peacefully’!

“The African Story as told by Africans”.©African News Digest®

“The African Story as told by Africans”.©African News Digest®